I've been up, down, and all around this past summer. Well to be honest, this whole year has been crazy. I'm happy to report that I've made a ton of progress mentally and emotionally. It's been a bad struggle with depression. I never really realized that it was something I lived with for a long time without knowing about it. Even when I was diagnosed it didn't hit me as to how much it has affected my life. Then I took a depression test and I scored very high. I realized that I didn't have long periods of happiness or even contentment. It sounds cliche but I thought it would be something that a pill could fix. I wanted the pills and the doctors to fix this problem. It didn't work. I just got depressed and unwilling to do anything more and more. I did the CBT therapy, the pills, the whole nine yards. But all I saw was black and white. I didn't want to get better. I didn't want to be fixed. I just wanted to be left alone. In fact I still do. I still feel hopeless about this whole thing. I still don't understand any of it and I highly doubt I will.
There was a change a few months back. I started talking to someone. It was very light and I didn't really have any expectations about any of it. It just made me feel better to talk to someone. I didn't feel so alone and afraid all the time. Well just like a movie, these feelings between us grew and grew. I don't know why, but I felt like I could talk to him and everything would be better. Just one conversation with him and the load felt lighter. I didn't feel so burdened and heavy. Our conversations got intense and we shared a lot of things with each other. Since we weren't face to face, I felt much more comfortable saying whatever I wanted. I felt like I was walking on air after a month of just straight talking to him. We took our time and he told me he wanted to do things slowly. He's been through a lot too and he didn't want to rush into anything. I have to say, I had no voice of reason at the time. I was just walking on sunshine and I didn't care what anyone else said about it too. Then the awful thing happened. I invited him over and he didn't come. I know it was a big risk but I wanted to do things differently from the past. I waited for him like a dumbstruck schoolgirl. I waited for hours. He told me he couldn;'t hear me and it was not the right time. He kept repeating that over an over. I have to say the suspicions started cropping up especially when I told my closest friends and family. But I still believed in what we had and I still waited for him. In fact, I'm still waiting for him. Yes, I feel like an idiot. But, I never had this closeness and connection with anyone else before.
He broke my heart a lot and it sounds dumb to say that because we only just had conversations with each other. Well, long story short this really hurt and I came undone. I didn't go crazy or anything but I was a wreck. I started falling back into old habits and I stopped cooking. I stopped writing, drawing, painting, or exercising. I just stayed home and watched tv. I kept eating and eating without tasting anything. All I did was play facebook all day. I really fell into bad habits. I would just sit there and zone out. I cried all the time and my family became so worried and angry. My sister told me that if I went back into old habits, she'd kill him. She didn't want me to end up in the hospital again. It was a big risk to take at my state but I thought it would be worth it. It didn't work out the way I wanted it to.
However, my doctor pointed out that there was a good side to all this. He said that this person got me to open up and be more involved in other people. He said it was a breakthrough. I wanted to punch my doctor when he said this. It didn't feel like a breakthrough. I felt worse than before. I started realizing that I haven't felt feelings this intense in a very long time. I've had my heart broken many times by people I loved. It was something I never ever want to remember. This feeling of devastation and desperation. It was awful. You feel like the whole world has betrayed you just by having good weather. I remember hating every living thing on this earth and nobody cares. It made me want to kill everything. That's awful to say but it's true. I felt taken advantage of and I felt used. I started wondering why he was talking to me in the first place. In fact, I started thinking that about everyone whoever talked to me. I hated that I was feeling so much just because of one man. The horrible thing was I couldn't stop talking to him. It was like some weird obsession. The feeling of exposure just hurt. I screamed at him too. I just don't know if he heard me or not. I screamed at him a lot. I learned he could turn a deaf ear when he really wanted to. We couldn't stop talking to each other though. We were obsessed with each other. We still are. It was and still is painful for both of us I think. I vowed never to talk to him again too. I broke that too. I kept seeking him out. He still hasn't told me why he can't come. I want to clarify something to you. He didn't stand me up once or even twice. It was done over the course of two months. I do understand why he didn't hear me and it makes sense. It just sucks that we are both this way. I still feel this anger but it's not so intense. I still feel this urge to go to his place and kick him. Anyway, I had this go on for a little while. It's why I haven't written anything new since August. We did talk to each other. We stand each other up all the time. I guess we're just old and forgetful like that. I told him that I can't wait for him though. I told him that I was moving on with my life and that when he is ready I'll be there too. I had a good talk with a friend of mine and it makes sense. I'm not the only one in this relationship. He's going through so many issues too. If he's not ready then I can't force that. I hate realizing that. I just flew and blossomed when i met him. I would love to think I opened him up too.
I had an awful moment after this whole episode. I realized I wanted him to do everything that I was scared to do. I wanted him to make me feel better and not be depressed. I wanted him to hold me up all the time without giving anything back. I basically had a princess complex. I wanted him to save me from my tower. He wasn't the only one I did that too. Everyone's been holding me up while I had my breakdown. They didn't want me to crash and burn. I was just sitting in my place mooning over someone that I haven't even met. It was a rough wake up call. It got rougher too. My little family got shell shocked and rocked with some bad news a few weeks ago. I'm not going to be specific but it's pretty bad. My sister and I had a really bad fight. It went on for a few weeks too. She was tired of holding me up. She was tired and felt used by me. She told me that I'm like a ticking time bomb to her now. She never knows when I'm going to blow up. She was tired of supporting me and I don't blame her. I felt inadequate again. I felt I had no good reason for being this way but it was the reality I was facing. I'm here and I'm broken and I keep getting broken. It sucked. I woke up and realized that everyone I knew was leaving me behind in the past. I was wasting time by being so scared to move and I felt so dumb. I have no money, I'm beholden to everyone, and I can't even function with other people. I could barely talk to other people face to face. I couldn't even ask for help. I was a whole lot of mess. This is written in October I think.......Just an update
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