Change in the Wind

It's been a few months and I've been busy.  I just posted the posting I wrote a few months ago.  I picked myself up finally.  My sis finally issued an ultimatum because I was feeling so sorry for myself.  We also experienced a crisis. My sis and her hubby couldn't shelter me anymore. They went through an awful change in income.  I'm going roundabout in all this because I don't want to say what happened This is a very public blog and they are very private people.  I stopped writing for a while and I was fine with that.  I know that no one really reads my posts but it makes me feel better to write it.  I stopped crying and i focused on looking for work.  I stopped talking to my guy and just did what I had to do.  I found a full time job and I stepped up.  I helped them out and started growing up.  I provided for myself and I even help out with the bills.  I was so proud of myself for that.  I still am.  It's something that no one can give me.  I stopped talking to everyone and just focused on making my life better.  It worked.  I ignored everyone and just did what I had to do.  I realized that I let everyone get me down.  I develop all these doubts because I do care what people think of me.  It hurts and I have no self esteem.  It occurred to me one night after I was feeling sorry for myself.  It was horrible.  I was crying because no one was calling me back for an interview.  We were running out of money and time.  If I didn't get a job, I would have to go back to New Jersey.  I didn't want that.  Every time I go back there, I literally have a nervous breakdown.  It happens every time I talk or communicate with my mother.  It's a proven fact.  I knew I couldn't go back there.  I was prepared to work two jobs just to make it and have a place to live.  I was fine with that. i was just not hearing anything from the places I applied to.  It's the same sob story of course and it sucks ass. I didn't want to be unemployed anymore.  

Then, I interviewed for this long shot job as a reservation agent.  OH MY GOD!!!!!  I MANAGED TO GET IT!!!!!!!  I was so ecstatic, then I was worried that I would have a breakdown again like what happened the last time.  I was terrified that everyone at work would know about it.  It' s still something that terrifies me.  My doctor told me that this fear is normal because now I have something to lose.  It struck me in the doctor's office that I have something to lose.  It makes everything much more frightening.  I have something to hide and I have to be careful I don't say anything.  I have to try so hard at this job not to fail and fall on my face like I usually do.  I didn't know if I could do it. I had no other alternatives.  There wasn't anything left for me to try.  I was below the bottom.  You know how they say alcoholics and addicts experience the bottom? Well, non addicted people experience the same thing without any barriers to how horrible it is.  That's much worse.  You experience everything without any escapes or numbness. It just hit me that I'm the one at the bottom and I'm not doing anything about it.  Someone told me once to stop trying to get up and just stay down.  I fought that for so long and then I stopped fighting it.  Then I was forced out of it through another turn of bad circumstances. I do not have the luxury of feeling down and out anymore. Things turned out for the better though.  I still have not fallen on my face and I still have work.  I still feel depressed and I still cry at night.  I have bad days where nothing goes right for me.  I've learned though that the day passes no matter how bad you feel.  The good thing is that every day you experience change.  That means that nothing stays the same.  I took it to mean that I won't be crying the next day.  The funny thing is everyone keeps telling me that I'm doing better every day.  I"m slowly learning that I have to turn off my brain and just keep moving.  I even started talking to someone at work.  i also started selling Avon and I'm now looking for a place to live on my own.  It's a big change in my life and I feel like I'm walking a tightrope.  I feel like I'm going to fall any moment now but I still keep going.  I like to think that everyone feels that way. I keep trying to tell myself that everything is ok now but honestly who knows if that is true.  You just never know when something bad will happen again that will change everything.  All I know though is that I'm sick of it and i just want my life to be peaceful.  Oh, I also know that I don't ever want to be alone but I know that I am.  I have no idea if that will change either.  I'll just do my best and hope that it works.  That philosophy works for me.  I laugh at that.  I like it too.  So long for now.