Then, I interviewed for this long shot job as a reservation agent. OH MY GOD!!!!! I MANAGED TO GET IT!!!!!!! I was so ecstatic, then I was worried that I would have a breakdown again like what happened the last time. I was terrified that everyone at work would know about it. It' s still something that terrifies me. My doctor told me that this fear is normal because now I have something to lose. It struck me in the doctor's office that I have something to lose. It makes everything much more frightening. I have something to hide and I have to be careful I don't say anything. I have to try so hard at this job not to fail and fall on my face like I usually do. I didn't know if I could do it. I had no other alternatives. There wasn't anything left for me to try. I was below the bottom. You know how they say alcoholics and addicts experience the bottom? Well, non addicted people experience the same thing without any barriers to how horrible it is. That's much worse. You experience everything without any escapes or numbness. It just hit me that I'm the one at the bottom and I'm not doing anything about it. Someone told me once to stop trying to get up and just stay down. I fought that for so long and then I stopped fighting it. Then I was forced out of it through another turn of bad circumstances. I do not have the luxury of feeling down and out anymore. Things turned out for the better though. I still have not fallen on my face and I still have work. I still feel depressed and I still cry at night. I have bad days where nothing goes right for me. I've learned though that the day passes no matter how bad you feel. The good thing is that every day you experience change. That means that nothing stays the same. I took it to mean that I won't be crying the next day. The funny thing is everyone keeps telling me that I'm doing better every day. I"m slowly learning that I have to turn off my brain and just keep moving. I even started talking to someone at work. i also started selling Avon and I'm now looking for a place to live on my own. It's a big change in my life and I feel like I'm walking a tightrope. I feel like I'm going to fall any moment now but I still keep going. I like to think that everyone feels that way. I keep trying to tell myself that everything is ok now but honestly who knows if that is true. You just never know when something bad will happen again that will change everything. All I know though is that I'm sick of it and i just want my life to be peaceful. Oh, I also know that I don't ever want to be alone but I know that I am. I have no idea if that will change either. I'll just do my best and hope that it works. That philosophy works for me. I laugh at that. I like it too. So long for now.
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
Change in the Wind
It's been a few months and I've been busy. I just posted the posting I wrote a few months ago. I picked myself up finally. My sis finally issued an ultimatum because I was feeling so sorry for myself. We also experienced a crisis. My sis and her hubby couldn't shelter me anymore. They went through an awful change in income. I'm going roundabout in all this because I don't want to say what happened This is a very public blog and they are very private people. I stopped writing for a while and I was fine with that. I know that no one really reads my posts but it makes me feel better to write it. I stopped crying and i focused on looking for work. I stopped talking to my guy and just did what I had to do. I found a full time job and I stepped up. I helped them out and started growing up. I provided for myself and I even help out with the bills. I was so proud of myself for that. I still am. It's something that no one can give me. I stopped talking to everyone and just focused on making my life better. It worked. I ignored everyone and just did what I had to do. I realized that I let everyone get me down. I develop all these doubts because I do care what people think of me. It hurts and I have no self esteem. It occurred to me one night after I was feeling sorry for myself. It was horrible. I was crying because no one was calling me back for an interview. We were running out of money and time. If I didn't get a job, I would have to go back to New Jersey. I didn't want that. Every time I go back there, I literally have a nervous breakdown. It happens every time I talk or communicate with my mother. It's a proven fact. I knew I couldn't go back there. I was prepared to work two jobs just to make it and have a place to live. I was fine with that. i was just not hearing anything from the places I applied to. It's the same sob story of course and it sucks ass. I didn't want to be unemployed anymore.
The Smell of Desperation
I've been up, down, and all around this past summer. Well to be honest, this whole year has been crazy. I'm happy to report that I've made a ton of progress mentally and emotionally. It's been a bad struggle with depression. I never really realized that it was something I lived with for a long time without knowing about it. Even when I was diagnosed it didn't hit me as to how much it has affected my life. Then I took a depression test and I scored very high. I realized that I didn't have long periods of happiness or even contentment. It sounds cliche but I thought it would be something that a pill could fix. I wanted the pills and the doctors to fix this problem. It didn't work. I just got depressed and unwilling to do anything more and more. I did the CBT therapy, the pills, the whole nine yards. But all I saw was black and white. I didn't want to get better. I didn't want to be fixed. I just wanted to be left alone. In fact I still do. I still feel hopeless about this whole thing. I still don't understand any of it and I highly doubt I will.
There was a change a few months back. I started talking to someone. It was very light and I didn't really have any expectations about any of it. It just made me feel better to talk to someone. I didn't feel so alone and afraid all the time. Well just like a movie, these feelings between us grew and grew. I don't know why, but I felt like I could talk to him and everything would be better. Just one conversation with him and the load felt lighter. I didn't feel so burdened and heavy. Our conversations got intense and we shared a lot of things with each other. Since we weren't face to face, I felt much more comfortable saying whatever I wanted. I felt like I was walking on air after a month of just straight talking to him. We took our time and he told me he wanted to do things slowly. He's been through a lot too and he didn't want to rush into anything. I have to say, I had no voice of reason at the time. I was just walking on sunshine and I didn't care what anyone else said about it too. Then the awful thing happened. I invited him over and he didn't come. I know it was a big risk but I wanted to do things differently from the past. I waited for him like a dumbstruck schoolgirl. I waited for hours. He told me he couldn;'t hear me and it was not the right time. He kept repeating that over an over. I have to say the suspicions started cropping up especially when I told my closest friends and family. But I still believed in what we had and I still waited for him. In fact, I'm still waiting for him. Yes, I feel like an idiot. But, I never had this closeness and connection with anyone else before.
He broke my heart a lot and it sounds dumb to say that because we only just had conversations with each other. Well, long story short this really hurt and I came undone. I didn't go crazy or anything but I was a wreck. I started falling back into old habits and I stopped cooking. I stopped writing, drawing, painting, or exercising. I just stayed home and watched tv. I kept eating and eating without tasting anything. All I did was play facebook all day. I really fell into bad habits. I would just sit there and zone out. I cried all the time and my family became so worried and angry. My sister told me that if I went back into old habits, she'd kill him. She didn't want me to end up in the hospital again. It was a big risk to take at my state but I thought it would be worth it. It didn't work out the way I wanted it to.
However, my doctor pointed out that there was a good side to all this. He said that this person got me to open up and be more involved in other people. He said it was a breakthrough. I wanted to punch my doctor when he said this. It didn't feel like a breakthrough. I felt worse than before. I started realizing that I haven't felt feelings this intense in a very long time. I've had my heart broken many times by people I loved. It was something I never ever want to remember. This feeling of devastation and desperation. It was awful. You feel like the whole world has betrayed you just by having good weather. I remember hating every living thing on this earth and nobody cares. It made me want to kill everything. That's awful to say but it's true. I felt taken advantage of and I felt used. I started wondering why he was talking to me in the first place. In fact, I started thinking that about everyone whoever talked to me. I hated that I was feeling so much just because of one man. The horrible thing was I couldn't stop talking to him. It was like some weird obsession. The feeling of exposure just hurt. I screamed at him too. I just don't know if he heard me or not. I screamed at him a lot. I learned he could turn a deaf ear when he really wanted to. We couldn't stop talking to each other though. We were obsessed with each other. We still are. It was and still is painful for both of us I think. I vowed never to talk to him again too. I broke that too. I kept seeking him out. He still hasn't told me why he can't come. I want to clarify something to you. He didn't stand me up once or even twice. It was done over the course of two months. I do understand why he didn't hear me and it makes sense. It just sucks that we are both this way. I still feel this anger but it's not so intense. I still feel this urge to go to his place and kick him. Anyway, I had this go on for a little while. It's why I haven't written anything new since August. We did talk to each other. We stand each other up all the time. I guess we're just old and forgetful like that. I told him that I can't wait for him though. I told him that I was moving on with my life and that when he is ready I'll be there too. I had a good talk with a friend of mine and it makes sense. I'm not the only one in this relationship. He's going through so many issues too. If he's not ready then I can't force that. I hate realizing that. I just flew and blossomed when i met him. I would love to think I opened him up too.
I had an awful moment after this whole episode. I realized I wanted him to do everything that I was scared to do. I wanted him to make me feel better and not be depressed. I wanted him to hold me up all the time without giving anything back. I basically had a princess complex. I wanted him to save me from my tower. He wasn't the only one I did that too. Everyone's been holding me up while I had my breakdown. They didn't want me to crash and burn. I was just sitting in my place mooning over someone that I haven't even met. It was a rough wake up call. It got rougher too. My little family got shell shocked and rocked with some bad news a few weeks ago. I'm not going to be specific but it's pretty bad. My sister and I had a really bad fight. It went on for a few weeks too. She was tired of holding me up. She was tired and felt used by me. She told me that I'm like a ticking time bomb to her now. She never knows when I'm going to blow up. She was tired of supporting me and I don't blame her. I felt inadequate again. I felt I had no good reason for being this way but it was the reality I was facing. I'm here and I'm broken and I keep getting broken. It sucked. I woke up and realized that everyone I knew was leaving me behind in the past. I was wasting time by being so scared to move and I felt so dumb. I have no money, I'm beholden to everyone, and I can't even function with other people. I could barely talk to other people face to face. I couldn't even ask for help. I was a whole lot of mess. This is written in October I think.......Just an update
There was a change a few months back. I started talking to someone. It was very light and I didn't really have any expectations about any of it. It just made me feel better to talk to someone. I didn't feel so alone and afraid all the time. Well just like a movie, these feelings between us grew and grew. I don't know why, but I felt like I could talk to him and everything would be better. Just one conversation with him and the load felt lighter. I didn't feel so burdened and heavy. Our conversations got intense and we shared a lot of things with each other. Since we weren't face to face, I felt much more comfortable saying whatever I wanted. I felt like I was walking on air after a month of just straight talking to him. We took our time and he told me he wanted to do things slowly. He's been through a lot too and he didn't want to rush into anything. I have to say, I had no voice of reason at the time. I was just walking on sunshine and I didn't care what anyone else said about it too. Then the awful thing happened. I invited him over and he didn't come. I know it was a big risk but I wanted to do things differently from the past. I waited for him like a dumbstruck schoolgirl. I waited for hours. He told me he couldn;'t hear me and it was not the right time. He kept repeating that over an over. I have to say the suspicions started cropping up especially when I told my closest friends and family. But I still believed in what we had and I still waited for him. In fact, I'm still waiting for him. Yes, I feel like an idiot. But, I never had this closeness and connection with anyone else before.
He broke my heart a lot and it sounds dumb to say that because we only just had conversations with each other. Well, long story short this really hurt and I came undone. I didn't go crazy or anything but I was a wreck. I started falling back into old habits and I stopped cooking. I stopped writing, drawing, painting, or exercising. I just stayed home and watched tv. I kept eating and eating without tasting anything. All I did was play facebook all day. I really fell into bad habits. I would just sit there and zone out. I cried all the time and my family became so worried and angry. My sister told me that if I went back into old habits, she'd kill him. She didn't want me to end up in the hospital again. It was a big risk to take at my state but I thought it would be worth it. It didn't work out the way I wanted it to.
However, my doctor pointed out that there was a good side to all this. He said that this person got me to open up and be more involved in other people. He said it was a breakthrough. I wanted to punch my doctor when he said this. It didn't feel like a breakthrough. I felt worse than before. I started realizing that I haven't felt feelings this intense in a very long time. I've had my heart broken many times by people I loved. It was something I never ever want to remember. This feeling of devastation and desperation. It was awful. You feel like the whole world has betrayed you just by having good weather. I remember hating every living thing on this earth and nobody cares. It made me want to kill everything. That's awful to say but it's true. I felt taken advantage of and I felt used. I started wondering why he was talking to me in the first place. In fact, I started thinking that about everyone whoever talked to me. I hated that I was feeling so much just because of one man. The horrible thing was I couldn't stop talking to him. It was like some weird obsession. The feeling of exposure just hurt. I screamed at him too. I just don't know if he heard me or not. I screamed at him a lot. I learned he could turn a deaf ear when he really wanted to. We couldn't stop talking to each other though. We were obsessed with each other. We still are. It was and still is painful for both of us I think. I vowed never to talk to him again too. I broke that too. I kept seeking him out. He still hasn't told me why he can't come. I want to clarify something to you. He didn't stand me up once or even twice. It was done over the course of two months. I do understand why he didn't hear me and it makes sense. It just sucks that we are both this way. I still feel this anger but it's not so intense. I still feel this urge to go to his place and kick him. Anyway, I had this go on for a little while. It's why I haven't written anything new since August. We did talk to each other. We stand each other up all the time. I guess we're just old and forgetful like that. I told him that I can't wait for him though. I told him that I was moving on with my life and that when he is ready I'll be there too. I had a good talk with a friend of mine and it makes sense. I'm not the only one in this relationship. He's going through so many issues too. If he's not ready then I can't force that. I hate realizing that. I just flew and blossomed when i met him. I would love to think I opened him up too.
I had an awful moment after this whole episode. I realized I wanted him to do everything that I was scared to do. I wanted him to make me feel better and not be depressed. I wanted him to hold me up all the time without giving anything back. I basically had a princess complex. I wanted him to save me from my tower. He wasn't the only one I did that too. Everyone's been holding me up while I had my breakdown. They didn't want me to crash and burn. I was just sitting in my place mooning over someone that I haven't even met. It was a rough wake up call. It got rougher too. My little family got shell shocked and rocked with some bad news a few weeks ago. I'm not going to be specific but it's pretty bad. My sister and I had a really bad fight. It went on for a few weeks too. She was tired of holding me up. She was tired and felt used by me. She told me that I'm like a ticking time bomb to her now. She never knows when I'm going to blow up. She was tired of supporting me and I don't blame her. I felt inadequate again. I felt I had no good reason for being this way but it was the reality I was facing. I'm here and I'm broken and I keep getting broken. It sucked. I woke up and realized that everyone I knew was leaving me behind in the past. I was wasting time by being so scared to move and I felt so dumb. I have no money, I'm beholden to everyone, and I can't even function with other people. I could barely talk to other people face to face. I couldn't even ask for help. I was a whole lot of mess. This is written in October I think.......Just an update
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)